Set free…

“Set free”

Trapped words set free
My time is now
To verbalize what happened
The story of my life
symbolism in everything
Understanding God, truth, poetry
my gift, my talent, my identity

Seeds not buried under a rock
But planted in good soil
Watered enough to grow
Sprout and blossom
Rise up as a sapling tree
Young, small at first
Growing mature, tall, strong
A mighty live oak
Reaching up to the blue, blue sky
A mighty live oak
Filled with leaves year round
Sometimes needing pruning
Always bearing green, green leaves

Thank you, God
For sending me believers
Who showed me who You are
I learned who I really am
I accept the gifts and talents
You gave me before I was born
I am finding my purpose, my calling
My words no longer hidden
My talents no longer buried under a rock

I let go of guilt and shame
I cast my cares on you
Because you care for me
More than I will ever know
It is time now
My time is now
Trapped words set free
Trapped words set free

RuthRenee
05.17.2020

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Rest & PTSD…

Telling the story of my past
Overcome with exhaustion
sadness, fear, and hurt

Thoughts haze and fog
Droopy eyelids blink
Head weighs heavy
Memories of trauma
Impossible to carry
Alone

Drive home safe
Collapse into bed
Open the window
Turn on the fan
Weighted blankets
Fetal position
Calves twitch
Intestines flutter
God whispers, “rest”

Weak eyelids closing
I whisper this prayer

God, I’m hurt and scared
This terror from my past
I can’t carry it alone
I need your armor
I need your love
I need you with me

Help me know
it’s safe to rest

Meet me, Jesus
in my worry
hurt and fear

Meet me, Jesus
in my room
on my bed

Make it safe
Make it safe
to sleep
to rest
to be alone

I trust you, Jesus
I surrender

Safe to rest
Safe to rest

Body, surrender
Body, rest

-Ruth Renee
05.16.2020

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Remembering…

Ice shattered
Unbreakable damn breaking
River overflowing
Rushing fiercely
Like never before

I am remembering
REMEMBERING
who I was

Before the trauma
Before the shame
Before the lies
Before the pain
Before I forgot

Now I know
Fire raging in my heart
I am an artist in recovery

5.13.2020
Ruth Renee

#hope #healing #overcoming #joy #poems #poem #poetry #writing #writingprompt #writingchallenge #remember #hopewriterlife

🦋Transformation…

Some people tell me how much they love my writing, that it speaks to what they feel in their heart.

Some people tell me I have a way of expressing what they are feeling, but couldn’t find the words to voice.

I have always loved writing in my journal.

I love having a place to write and voice my thoughts.

The page always holds space for me.

The page is always safe.

On the page, I am seen.

On the page, I am heard.

On the page, my voice is not lost.

My voice is recorded in permanent ink.

I can go back, read and reread my own words.

I can see my thoughts clearly.

I can better understand who I am,
what I want, and how to get there.

I held back from sharing my writing for a long, looong time!

I was afraid of criticism.

I was afraid of not being liked.

I was afraid of feeling silly for what was in my heart..

I was afraid of being seen and liked too much.

I was afraid of anything that could possibly lead to me feeling unsafe or unloved.

So I hid! And I hid! And I hid!

For 40 years I hid!

But, I’m not hiding anymore.

I’m tired of being afraid.

I’m tired of not living my life to the fullest.

I’m tired of not claiming the gifts God gave me.

I’m tired of not owning my calling, and claiming my destiny!

So here I am! Just me, Ruth Renee!

All I have to give the world is my story!

It is a crazy story, with many ups and downs, quite the roller coaster of a ride, but it is filled with hope, healing, and overcoming!!!

God is so good, and I am only who I am today because of Him.

It may sound cheesy, but He is my best friend, and I know I can do anything with Him by my side, holding my hand, carrying me on his shoulders, or even carrying me in His arms at the worst of the worst times!!

He rescued me… He healed me… and He gave me life!

He gave me my life back, y’all! He came after me with a fierce, safe love unlike any other I have ever experienced. He turned my ashes to beauty, my grief to joy!

So here I am, just me, Ruth Renee, sharing my heart with you, “grabbing the snake by the tail,” facing my deepest fear of being seen.

“Fear, I’m tired of being afraid of you!!”

“Forty years is long enough!”

“If not now, when!?!”

“I don’t need everyone to like me.”

“I’m okay with making mistakes in front of others.”

“My mistakes don’t define me.”

“If someone doesn’t like me, that’s okay!”

“I’m proud of my goals and dreams!”

“My thoughts are important and worth sharing!”

“Fear, I’m done being afraid of you!”

I am a beloved child of God, and He loves me with the fiercest love in the universe, more than I can ever comprehend or imagine in this life.

I know who I am, and am learning to love who God made me to be.

I love God for coming after me, for healing me, for helping me confront and overcome my deepest fears and darkest shame.

I am learning with greater depth each day, God’s goodness and love endure forever. He wants me to receive his compassion and grace.

I will be gentle with myself when others are not.

I will stop worrying about what others think of me or my unique creations.

I will stop needing everyone to like me.

I will stop listening to the naysayers.

I listen to the encouragers.

I listen to the heart of God.

I listen to the lost, and the hopeless.

I listen to the suffering, the tired, and the lonely.

My soul shines bright!

My voice will reach those who need to hear what I have to say.

There are too many others like me,

Suffering like I suffered,

Too long without a voice,

feeling helpless, hopeless, powerless…

Sad, alone, hurt and afraid

Too many lost in grief and shame,

Suffering without words,

without voices…

I lend my voice.

I lend my gift from God.

Writing is my purpose.

Writing is my destiny.

A child of God is who I am.

I am a writer in recovery

I am an artist in recovery

And this is where I belong

Welcome to my world!

Welcome to my heart! ♥️

With hope,
Ruth Renee

5.13.2020
Reach/Restore

#ruthrenee #healingdiaries #reach #restore #reimagine2020 #hopewriterlife #writingchallenge #writingprompt #writerforlife #writerslife #writer #godiswithinreach #godisnear #godisgood #hope #healing #overcoming #confidence

Imagine the possibilities…

Do you remember when you had a writing assignment in high school English class, and your teacher had you write the paper multiple times?

There was an initial rough draft, maybe a few edits in-between, and at last, a polished final draft.

What if there is a way to rewrite your life?

COVID19 and the near shutdown of the world has given each of us a unique opportunity.

I hear God crying out to the world to slow down and be still long enough to hear him, to re-evaluate our priorities, to remember who we were as children.

What were your hopes and dreams as a child?

Who did you want to become?

Are you living that life today?

What if you could become the person you only dreamed of as a child?

Imagine the possibilities of allowing God to rewrite your life with Him in the lead.

Here I am, an inactive registered nurse, somewhat feeling guilty that I am currently unable to work in the hospital, side-by-side, with my fellow nurses.

In college, I commit myself to “learn the healer’s art.” Yet, I have been unable to work as an RN for the last 7 years.

I thought It was my life calling and profession. But what if it isn’t anymore?

What if I was exactly where I was called to be these past 7 years? At home struggling and learning to fight, to advocate, to write.

It was during this period that I had time to study, research, and learn how to advocate for the health of myself and my children – physically, mentally, emotionally.

I learned I have autoimmune thyroid disease. I found the correct treatment, which brought 2 years of unexplained nausea and vomiting to a halt.

I learned my son has ADHD and CAPD– a central auditory processing disorder.

I learned how to advocate for my son within the public school system, acquiring him the learning adaptations he needs to gain success and confidence.

I learned I also have CAPD, that I’m not lazy or dumb, the mean names I would call myself when I struggled to achieve academic goals or the pursuits of my heart.

I learned how hard I’ve really worked my whole life to do well in school and work. I learned how gifted and talented I am.

I learned I have a genetic condition known as EDS, or Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. It makes getting out of bed an everyday battle for me. Yet, I learned how to manage. I learned how to navigate the road map that is my new life.

It was also during this time period that repressed memories of some isolated childhood abuse surfaced. What a wild ride the healing has been! It is still ongoing. But I now see God has been with me every step of the way!!

Because of these struggles, I had to slow down and surrender to God in humility. I now see that God has been rewriting my life these past 7 years

I am learning that I have two callings in life.

Both involve “learning the healer’s art.”

The first is nursing. The second, writing.

Writing and sharing my story about the truth of God rewriting my life for the better…

From one of anxiety to peace,
From one of depression to hope,
From one of searching to purpose,
From one of fear to trusting in Him,
Finally, from one of prolonged grief to Joy!

I slowed down long enough to hear Him.

I allowed Him to show me who I really am…

A beloved child of God.

I am safe. I am home. I am fully alive!

May COVID19 be the time you allow God to rewrite your story.

Imagine the possibilities when you surrender your heart and time to God!

Whatever feels lost, whatever feels wrong, God can rewrite your story for good!

I challenge you that when you don’t know what to do, when you feel uncertain, or think the world is out of control…

Be still and imagine how God would rewrite your life. I am confident it can be done. It is worth the time, and most important of all, you are worth it!

With hope,

Ruth Renee

#ruthrenee #healingdiaries #healing #hope #godisgood #learning #rewrite #rewriteyourstory #rewriteyourlife #trust #calling #nurse #writing #covid19 #bestill #imagine #reimagine2020

Quarantined…

Photo Credit: Ellen McCann

I feel like
A caged tiger
Never knowing
How long a
Confinement
may last

This COVID-19 seems like
An attack on my freedom
Like a controlled emotional manipulation
To create a complete mental breakdown
Triggered to feel and believe I am

—powerless
—helpless
—lost
—without control
—without hope

And it feels like I
have been here before
Locked in a prison
Of my mind

Yet one part of me will
Never again be caged
—my wounded heart

Perhaps I think of this as a great awakening
As if I am a race horse being held at the gate
So that my energy can build
Before the horn blares
So I have the best chance
To win the race
to live my best life

So let me “be still” and rest
Before the time comes
To set America free

—a return to hope
—a return to faith
—a return to peace

Set her soul free
Set my soul free

With hope,

Ruth Renee

4-5-2020 #ruthrenee #healing #writing #poetry #covid19 #quarantine #shelterinplace #hope #inspiration #america #tiger #faith

Be Still And Know…

God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

God is in control

At times I feel scared

I stay afraid or

I find faith,

strength to

Choose love

I make a choice

Turn my eyes upon Jesus

Allow my heart to rest in His

He shelters me from the storm

from the chaos of the world

He guards my heart in His

He shares his peace with me

I need only be still

God fights my battles

God rescued me from the pit

His love never ends nor fails

God will rescue our world

in His time and His way

for His purpose and His glory

Have you surrendered your heart to the God of our Universe — the sovereign creator of heaven and earth?

It is my heartfelt prayer that the breakdown of our world leads to its biggest breakthrough.

I pray that our hearts return to greater love for God and our fellow “neighbor.”

I pray that your heart is guarded in Christ Jesus, and that you are protected with a supernatural peace that surpasses all understanding.

Now is the time to express the deepest desires and pains of our hearts to Him in prayer, to pray for our “neighbors,” and give generously.

With hope,

Ruth Renee